Once upon a time...

Once upon a time there was Lord Lucan.
Then there wasn't.

The End

Christmas is coming

Consider the following verse:

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat
Please to put a penny in the old man's hat
If you haven't got a penny, a ha'penny will do
If you haven't got a ha'penny then God bless you!

Right, now, I’m not sure who exactly this little nursery rhyme is for, but it appears to be woefully out of date. Let’s take a closer look at it, line by line.

“Christmas is coming,”. Ok, that much is certainly true, no arguments there.
“the goose is getting fat”. Goose? Goose? Who eats goose at Christmas? A few rich eccentrics perhaps, but where I come from, Turkey has always been the yuletide bird of choice. I quite like goose actually, but tradition is a stubborn beast and not to be trifled with.
“Please to put a penny in the old man's hat”. Right, well, ok, charity. Of course, during the festive season our thoughts sometimes turn to those less fortunate, but “old man”? Surely that is rather sexist, not to mention ageist. A lot of needy people are female, and some of them are quite young. Also, what happens if they don’t have a hat?
“If you haven't got a penny, a ha'penny will do”. Right. This really is taking the piss. First of all, if a chap hasn’t got a penny, then he really shouldn’t be asked to part with his last remaining ha’penny. In fact, if he is that hard up, he should be the one going cap in hand (if he’s got one). Poor bastard. Secondly, what’s all this penny, ha’penny crap anyway? A penny is nothing; a hundred of them won’t even get you a cup of tea these days. What’s the use of a f*@king penny?!!
A fiver. Ah, now we’re talking. A chap can do a lot with a fiver. He can secure himself a pack of cigs or a six pack with a fiver. Failing that though, a couple of pounds will do.
“If you haven't got a ha'penny then God bless you!” It appears that this final line makes a mockery of the preceding three. If I’m reading it correctly, a person with no money at all is not only exempt from making a donation to the old man, he is also to be in receipt of the blessings of the Almighty. Maybe this is why TV evangelists are so keen on encouraging their viewers to part with their money, or am I just being cynical?
However, there is no sense in droning on like this. It is action that is needed. That is why I have penned an up to date version of the rhyme in question, one that fairly holds a mirror up to today’s society. True, it is devoid of any kind of rhyme or meter, but what it lacks in artistic integrity it more than makes up for in accuracy and honesty.

Goatboy’s version:

Christmas is coming, the battery turkeys are being force fed genetically modified corn and pumped full of rat hormones.
Please donate five pounds to a charity dedicated to helping needy men and women of all ages regardless of whether or not they own a hat.
If five pounds seems a bit steep, what with the expense of Christmas and all, then perhaps two pounds would be a more acceptable sum.
If you haven’t got two pounds to spare then it is likely to be because the church has taken all your money and when you eventually starve to death you will be assured of a place in heaven.

What do you think?